"Out" your Inner Dialogue

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

Do you talk to yourself throughout the day? I know I do. My mind is always whirring with a constant stream of thoughts: analyzing what I am doing, planning ahead for the next activity or meal, organizing my thoughts for the next work day, or critiquing myself and others. Over the last few days I’ve made a point to listen to that inner dialogue, and, my friends, it’s not so pretty.

I found myself constantly comparing my performance or appearance to those around me. When I decided that my performance or appearance were less impressive than the person I was around, I felt miserable. I felt the heavy weights of embarrassment, disappointment, and shame on my heart. Yes, shame. Isn’t that terrible? Why should I be ashamed if I don’t measure up (on the worldly scale) to the person standing next to me? Don’t I appreciate diversity, individuality, and imperfection when I’m looking at other people? I don't expect my friends to look or be perfect; why the heck can’t I treat myself with the same grace and acceptance? This seems pretty screwy to me. And then on the other hand, if I decided that my performance or appearance ranked above the poor, unsuspecting soul with whom I was comparing myself, I felt a fleeting sensation of triumph followed immediately by a feeling of “well, that wasn’t very nice, and now I feel like crap.” So, long story short, regardless of how I measure up to the next person, I feel lousy if I play the comparison game. Awesome. Or not so much….so glad I’ve been playing this game as long as I can remember. Uh, maybe I should stop.

So after listening to a few days of this mental gauntlet, which snagged me and emotionally pummeled me more times than I would really like to admit, I decided to change it up. Initially, I started saying the things in my head out loud (not in public, of course, just quietly to myself in my home or car). And a funny thing happened. Either the comment was so ridiculous (e.g., I wish I looked like that petite 5’2” redhead who is probably 16 years old…clearly not EVER going to happen) that I laughed out loud, or so cruel and unkind that I couldn’t even finish the sentence (these were always directed at myself and often began with the statement, “ick.”)
Then, I was having a conversation with a friend who is also struggling with body image. As we were talking, it dawned on me that we shouldn’t say anything to ourselves that we wouldn’t say to another girl or woman that we truly care about. Think daughter, sister, mother, best friend. It’s important to be honest, yet kind. Instead of looking in the mirror and berating ourselves for not fulfilling the impossible ideal society presents to us (see my last post), what would happen if we acknowledged our individual beauty and worth? I believe that our worth never changes, and is impervious to any physical, emotional, or intellectual changes we may make. We are always worth it. We are always daughters of a loving creator who designed us in a specific way for a specific reason. We may change the package...but we don't change the essence of who we are. Our appearance and performance do NOT define us. As I try to replace the old messages of inadequacy and harsh judgment with messages of love and acceptance, I feel a huge weight lift off my heart. I’ll be honest: I still spend a lot of time in my old habit, being hyper-critical of myself and others. But when I make a point to be kinder to myself, I find it both challenging and refreshing. I also find myself recognizing beauty in others that I may not have seen before. Imagine this: a taebo gym with a wide variety of body types, from waifishly thin to super fit to average to a little chubby to significantly overweight, all working their little hearts out in a room surrounded by mirrors. Oh, and I forgot to mention the spandex. Lots and lots of spandex. Previously, I would check everyone out and take a quick inventory of skinny people and not skinny people, and I would attempt to figure out where I fit in the scheme of that. Now, I take a minute to look at the participants one by one in the mirrors and remind myself “She’s beautiful, just the way she is.” Then I look myself in the eye in the mirror, and I say “I’m beautiful, just the way I am.” Then I can focus on my workout and improving my health, rather than obsessing about what I think about my appearance or what others may think of it. And this feels amazing!

So here’s my challenge to you:

Take a few days to listen to your inner dialogue.

Is it kind and accepting? Do you speak to yourself as you would speak to a dear friend or a daughter? If you do, you are amazing and you should teach us all how to do that!

Or, do you play the comparison game? Then try the steps below and see how it feels.

1.       LISTEN. What are you saying about yourself? What are you saying about others?

2.       SAY IT OUT LOUD. How do your messages sound when you say them out loud? Would you say those messages to someone else’s face? Someone you really care about?

3.       COVER IT WITH LOVE. Change the messages to something you think you would say to a girl or woman you really care about. Or something that a loving Father and Creator would say to the daughter he created.

Then, if you feel so inclined, I would love for you to post a comment about your experience. This blog is going to get really boring really fast if I’m the only one posting!!! If you feel more comfortable, send me an email with your post and I will post it anonymously. The only requests I have for posting and reading are: that your posts be honest and respectful, to yourself and others, AND that if you find yourself in a place of despair, get professional help. Been there, done that. Sometimes it is the best step toward living a fuller life!

I will post a “Sound Off” entry….I would love for you all to share your experiences there!!